4 March 2018
Journal:
I’m grappling my faith or whatever, belief –can I just NOT know? Do I have to know how I came to be –how it all came about? [And was it ever really worth murdering, evading taxes, and stealing land over?]
Fear stirs inside of me, I recall scriptures I have no access to, any longer –it seems in my disgust, I’ve destroyed all the bibles in the house [the kids used the family one for the fire starter in summer]. Maybe because I was panicking [Religious Trauma trigger] I couldn’t even find an online bible to reference. I wanted to read the words to recall how preposterous, yet close it actually grazes.
Like, if heaven is like a mustard seed, quantum physics says the same thing.
And if greed/pride/ego (consumerism/narcissism) is the “deluding influence” that veils the world, and even “true believers” well then, it’s looking like this is where we’re at. [There are some truly leadable, fearful, angry, religious people out there and many of them are this way because they’ve never gotten to feel full control over their lives, jobs, family status, neighbors, laws, and even mates and children. Under penalty they’ve been programmed since toddlerhood to sit and listen, how to think, write, rehearse, work, play, dance, and recline. like our ancestors did. Days-off are opportunity to either forget the past, catch up on sleep/work/family, or demonstrate the most memorized scriptures out of context to support the echo chamber. These are role-models for the coming generations, too. Where is the joy in life; in binge eating and drinking, singing and fantasizing? Unless they’re successful in church leadership, they’ll have to wait ’til heaven? Ohhhh…]
A large percentage of Christians claim to see everyone as an equal -that’s funny, when I’m honest with myself I notice that my loved ones become more-than [I wouldn’t lay my life down for someone else’s kid if it meant leaving my own motherless]. I do care about people, though. They’re feeling life just as vibrantly as I am. When I see them equally, compassion fills me. Am I “looking through the eyes of Jesus,” or simply seeing clearly?
[Funny, when I was a kid my parents were atheists. The parties that bustled through our house were loud, raunchy, and drug laden –and I witnessed it all. When we started meeting with Christians, to learn about the word of their god, we were taught stories about who we were –and I guess we were obscene! I sat in the classroom off the main worship hall, staring at cartoon descriptions of “people of the world” offering children up to demons, drinking blood and alcohol, having orgies, burning candles, incense, and crosses at altars, and wearing frightening costumes and masks with labels on them like “Unspeakable Acts” and “Devious Treachery.” When I recalled what ‘sinners’ like my parents did compared to what the church was teaching me that sinners did, I guessed there must be different kinds of sinners…? My parents never sacrificed doves to the devil. They never poured blood in circles on the ground, and they never sang songs to Satan beneath a New Moon (that I remember). The truth has a tendency to return back to itself, proving itself. Christianity doesn’t loop back on itself; it cycles on a broken loop, dependent on the story to keep the lie perpetuated, so that fear can continue to be in control.]
[I’m an adult. I don’t need someone to tell me what to think, do, believe, remember, dream, see, hear, create, or destroy. The bible is an elementary story that tries to teach morals through stories, like the Berenstain Bears, only racist, sexist, and narcissist. It was a step, a stage of learning; I graduated. Unlike the church’s gossip, you can do good without a god telling you how/to. I’m in control of my life and I choose what happens next, and if something unexpected comes, I will meet that challenge and learn from it, as well.]
Earth, or universe, made life within itself, or of itself, and here we are. Is it sentient? Is it fully aware of the creation it created? Is it one of myriads? Does it even want us to understand? Does it care? Do we, as a whole planet need to be so certain, so positive about it, so damned determined to know, and self-absorbed enough to believe we should teach others our way to think? That sounds delusional; that’s fantasized grandeur.
[No one can prove nor disprove how it all started, no one can prove a god or a divine being, no one can prove an explosion from nothing. What if earth’s beginning was the end of something else?]
“They worship the creation rather than the creator,” is a scripture believers shake their heads over, from a higher viewpoint where they look down at the world (unbelievers). But really, creator or creation –what’s the difference? [A real god wouldn’t need to demand or even expect respect, they would win it just by their wonderfulness –and not to just one particular being, group, or nationality; for it is everything.]
People say parents (like the Hebrew and Christian god) choose favorites, but it doesn’t have to be true. It’s not true for those of us who can accept our children as they are, and love them for all of their differences (even if it makes us uncomfortable –that’s unconditional, that’s inclusion –like the church claims God’s love is).
[Christianity mirrors the cycle of an abusive relationship. Christians are born owing, and raised with guilt for the murder of a man made in the likeness of the god the man embodied, for their sins [not lessons learned?] and the rest of the planet have done, are doing, and will do so that the guy who made it all won’t destroy it all with torture.]
[It takes faith, a whole lot of it, to believe you know why it all happened and what it’s all about. Why, isn’t that partial? Could there be, like humans, many truths? This kind of faith, like a mustard seed, can grow enormous –as we can see by the canned Christianity in America. When you wash down the words of the bible though, you see the bullshit that’s been stuffed in around the edges (to keep the fans interested) and the truths can stand out. ]