Wow, what a whirlwind!! We’ve been spinning and twirling and not had much time to breathe. Fall rushed into our lives, school began (I started homeschooling again!! Yay!) and I’ve gotten all the little ones and the larger ones enrolled in therapy –we’ve all been through a tough time; I need help mending all of them. The girls have enjoyed their visits, and judging by their reaction to it, they’re liking the one-on-one, and playing cards with complete strangers is fun –lol. It’s as if this was set in my hands (finally!). I’d been overwhelmed each time I added a new child to the roster; I’d only made it to 3 kids so far. How would I be able to make it to all 100 of their visits? Who’s going to take 5 kids at one time?? And yet, lo and behold, exactly what we needed was set into my lap; I was offered and accepted. Time for healing to really and truly make it’s way into our existence! Time for these girls to realize that Mom isn’t just telling them what to do all the time, she actually cares and is aiming for their highest joy, too.
It’s funny, my first commissioned job for Upwork.com was a set of articles. The first one to write was on the subject of tweens (ages 10-13)… the twins weren’t yet 10, but one child was 12 and another was 14 –and we were experiencing shit storms that blew out into the hallway from these two. Writing the article –with wisdom and first hand experience was exactly what I was doing. Off-the-cuff journalist work. Observing the natives and reporting –then reading the experts’ advice, trying it out on them, and observing the responses and reactions. Omg. it was THE most challenging job I’ve ever held, besides mothering! Holy pooh, what took the cake (ahem, made me quit the job) was the article on Sibling Rivalry. I realized with this article that my role as Mom is to button my lip and let the arguments do their magic… yet with over 5 people in the room at one time, most everyone gets exasperated and has to comment in. I’ve had to reel my parenting skills in and rehash them. I’ve recognized my reactions are immediate at times, I’ve got to keep on my toes –these guys need me running at 100% efficiency, 24/7 –and boy, do I mess up!
For instance, the other night one of the twins was deciding to take a stand against authority (not that I’m waving it around, it’s just that someone needs to be “in charge” or it’s gonna go haywire, folks). She had been arguing with a sibling and was howling in the hallway. I told her to take it into her bedroom for privacy. She leaned towards me and let all the air out of her little lungs, “NO!!!” Then, she rushed downstairs.
So, I got up and went downstairs. I ended up becoming impatient with her. She wouldn’t listen, nor would she answer anything I asked. I told her I wanted to help. She screamed that I didn’t listen. I said she should go into her room where it’s private. She screamed that she didn’t want to. I told her to go to her bedroom. Again, she screamed “No.”
Ok, so this here’s the truth; when I was a Christian, my children obeyed me –first try. They feared me. I was authority and their dad backed me up. Now it’s just me. It’s been well over 6 years since I’ve used a rod to stop spoiling a child. It was a long time that I was authority and my decisions were final; giving these children free-will is hard!!! Not reacting to her screaming “no” at me was an exercise worthy of a decathlon, folks. My innards twisted 360 degrees. I gripped the chair I leaned against, my teeth squeezed (and popped) taste buds along the edge of my tongue. My eyes bulged. I had to fight the thought, “She dares to affront ME??? She refuses to submit to ME?? How dare her!!! I know what’s best for her.” I had to battle the urge to fly off the handle. I had to hold in the wish to show her what there is to cry about.
Who was that within me? Ego?? Ick!
When she screamed the last “No!” at me, she tore half-way up the stairs. She was standing on the stairs, in the sunlight, letting me have it in front of her siblings. The instinctual me took over. She was pinned in, I think. She felt trapped and wanted to gain some mountain top. My eyes scanned the scenery around me, just my closest vicinity. There! An almost fully eaten, soft and brown apple core. That will do. The next thing I knew I was picking it up, and watching this body take over –I wanted it to cease it’s actions, but I was at a loss of words, so much anger was spilling out of my eye sockets, my mind was twirling smoke. The apple felt soft and light in my hand. My hand gave it a soft toss into the air. Yes, it was light and it would do. The next thing I knew, I was throwing that apple towards her. Not to hit her, just scare her is what my brain said it was doing. I didn’t believe it. The apple took flight, as if my hand released far too soon –I didn’t seem to have any control over it at this point. It hit the ceiling and smashed into tiny bits that rained down. Once she saw the apple explode, she was up to her room. No more screaming at Mom, now she was just scared of Mom. Damnit!!
So yeah, this Dalai Momma had to drag her sorry ass up the stairs and apologize. This Dalai Momma had to give time to a wounded child; she had to let that child feel their feelings that were against her. It was agony! This Dalai Momma wanted to fix everything, immediately, but realized that’s not how it works. My child had been frightened by me. I had work to do. It was going to take time, too.
So, yes, I did report it to my and my children’s therapists. I’m wide open, you know. I’m not hiding lies any longer, shame is a thing of the past for us. I made a mistake, based on my instinctual training and I’m going to grow from it rather than let it mould me into an angrier version of me. I also humbly asked forgiveness of those girls who witnessed my loss of control. I scared them, too.
As for school/life: Our days are consisting of loads of online studies, acting days, rollerskate/skateboard days, art days, baking days, dress up days, reading days, Minecraft days, microscope-study days, photography/film days, nature days, and dr/therapy days. My 15 year old flew to Chicago and came home safely. I spent an entire day with my birthday child (now 13) at the Mall of America. It was so much fun, just the two of us! The 17 year old pulled herself from a brick and mortar school to do online, home school, too. She loves the freedom! I love having her home, safe. Yes, the school shootings are scary; yes I’ve let them change my life. Yes, I’m letting that fear “control” my life. I cannot imagine not wanting to keep my children from danger. The 24 year old is leaving corporate!! Off to join a mom-and-pop joint, working with me! Cool!!! She’ll be in the kitchen. The 10 year old twins have made amazing changes over the summer. Growing more bold in stating their feelings, overcoming the urge to Minnesota-nice us to death (it’s all passive aggressive bullshit). The 7 year old is still suffering. She’s been going to therapy with me and seems to really like it. I see great things for her once she’s learned how to overcome the depression I taught her so well to carry. We are all hugging and loving unconditionally as best as we can. Going out into the public school sector never seemed such a stupid choice as it does now… Well! We learned!!! We’ve evolved a little more through our tribulations.
One more thing. My son, who’s now 20 has moved back home, too. We are squished in this tiny home! He’s sleeping on a beanbag couch in the freezing porch until we get the bedrooms organized. He’s using a low-temp sleeping bag, too.
I have been making exactly enough money each month to get by –and I’ve saved up a little, too! It seemed impossible two years ago. I didn’t think I could ever climb out. I thought I was stuck. I believed the system was stacked against me; to pin and hold me down (which it really is to be honest, but I’m not letting it!). I thought there was NO WHERE left for us but the streets and Foster care. I thought we were done-for. And here we are!! Better than before! Better than ever!!!