Relationship Repair and a New Addition: NAMB

Yesterday’s journal entry

June 12, 2019

So… Today,

I pulled my blood companions close.  I realized our relationship has been fragmented.  Sisters were pitting against each other. Bickering, animosity, enmities, suicidal ideologies and betrayal have been ongoing. One child was even feeling so hopeless change would come, she started having homicidal ideologies late, last September. From the outside looking at us, I am told we appear happy, adjusted, focused and act respectfully.  But at home away from eyes of strangers, the cuffs come off and the brass knuckles and hairpins fly!  I have been raising my offspring –who’ve suffered alongside my suffering, who’re filled to the top with emotions and fears they’ve not addressed.  They’ve had a ride, and I’ve got a lot of work to do to help them.

I’m NOT doing it alone, I’ve enlisted therapists and am incorporating as much improvement work in our daily lives as I can.

Since my divorce in 2014 we’ve been slammed hideously by poverty; utilities disconnected, bank account in the red, mortgage delinquency, and mental illnesses cropping up one by one (outbursts, tantrums, cutting, you name it). And yes, I know these are reflections of my negligence. PTSD & Major Depression have a way of sapping your energies. I was failing every task except sleeping and breathing; those I knew like a pro .

Although I thought it was the best route, so I could work to support us, it didn’t matter; both the private and public schools supplied my children with the social skills –environment included, to fit in, in prison!  The difference between my home taught 9-year-old versus the public/private schooled 9-year-old were quite different. My home-taught children had no problems interacting with all aged people and had confidence in knowing they were equals, while the private/public taught ones were competitive, insecure and shy around older people. We’ve been through a hell of a lot in the last 5 years.  I have been running on auto-pilot and with the financial assistance of many non-Christians (heathens), we were able to make it through!
Like I’m attempting this 24/7 parenting thing, I took this morning to sit with them, each in turn, listening, asking questions and learning new things. 
I realized with amazement that the very things I’ve shouted at my children over are often their gifts.  For instance, the 12-year-old; she shouts and sings, plays music loudly and laughs with great mirth.  Often, she is told to pipe down!  It’s far too noisy already in this little house.  Yet, she can take a roomful of quiet bores and rev it up fun; and the looks that her close friends make when they are around her are pure adoration. When I saw my fumble, I apologized.  I told her that I’m sorry for trying to control her and make her more like me.  I love her unconditionally and wouldn’t want her to stop doing something that brings her joy just for me …that’s controlling, not love.

So, here’s what we did to get through some sticky stuff.  Each of them chose someone they couldn’t stand, someone they were fed up with and even maybe felt hatred towards.  I was ready if it were me, that was just a given, in my opinion.  They spent over 10 minutes compiling lists, pouring out their emotions into the paper, letting out so much steam.  One by one, we went into my room, closed the door, they held a crystal if they liked, and then they read their list, swears and all, to me.  I told them they were free; I wouldn’t reprimand them for anything. 
We took the list and one by one, asked, “Could this be also true of me?”  By taking “she” and turning it to “I,” things got really tough (I thank Byron Katie for this marvelous idea).

OMG.  “She’s rude” turned into “I’m rude” and woah, the way they looked at me with innocence turning to a moment of “oh, yeah, me too…”  “She’s too loud” turned into “I’m too loud” and then the admission, that yeah, I’m loud, too.  Some things were not successful and couldn’t apply –but not most.  Ugh, this was a huge process because all along, I was having to admit with them, too! Satellite dish! They pour out what they get!  OMG, OMG, OMG!  Try it.  See for yourself, do you also?  Can you cast stones? Nope. 

After we realized and had to admit, there was a moment to reflect. In one instance, my child said, “Well I don’t do that anymore, jeez.” And I was given the opportunity to say, “Have you ever?” and they said, “Yeah, but I’m older now, I learned my lesson” or “I don’t do that anymore, that’s what babies do.”  I could then say, “Well, you were able to learn the lesson, now you need to relax and let your sibling learn theirs.” Also, they were told, “If you don’t like it about them, then you must not allow that quality in yourself.  It can’t be one way, only; that’s exclusion.  You want me to be fair, right?”  So, they realized they’d need to be ceasing that behavior, or it would be ridiculous to continue beefing about their sisters’ behaviors! 

Another thing we went through: assuming!  Man, they assume a lot (must be what I do, too!  OMG, it is!) I was able to show them how the word “assume” makes a joke, “to assume makes an ass out of u and me” and they were given a great opportunity to see how it does!  They liked that they can use a swear word, too, lol.

They had to come to realize that unconditional love, like they each want to receive, needs to also be handed out. To expect someone to cease what they love doing because we find it irritating is selfish –and the point of view can just be altered to accept and even come to love this about our sibling –because it is a characteristic that embodies them. It’s quite insane to believe you can ‘make’ someone stop doing something because you don’t want/like it.

We can only be in charge of ourselves. To believe otherwise is insanity.

We came to the conclusion that most arguments are started with an assumption (or someone “knowing” why the other thought whatever) and more often than not, they’re policing each other.  I feel like I know what Jesus from the bible probably felt with the Scribes and Pharisees… these kids know everything about each other, they tattle for every infraction on some days. They know the rules of human interactions and call foul at every chance. It’s exhausting.  Because my “Weeee-ooooo-weeeeee-ooooo” (police siren) response was making even more of a mess when they tattled, I decided to request a new name for it: NOMB.

When someone is getting in your business, just calmly state, “Nomb.”

None

Of

My

Business

It applies to me, too!

It can help in gossip situations, too! Gossip is devouring, by the way. Try to stop that bullshit as soon as it pops in your mind like the foul turd it is. It’s only a way to lift us upon a pedestal and look down on the mortals. State, “NOMB” and walk away. No fouls, no gestures, no eye rolls, just a simple “NOMB.” Rhymes with bomb. Hey, that’s funny cuz it’s like a bomb goes off if this isn’t acknowledged.

In the case of a problem that was not an issue that could be turned around, like say, “she takes my things and loses them” –that child could see that she hadn’t done that, nor would she do it, so we had to let this one lay. Instead, later, I had to go to the offender and we had to ask questions and bring this sibling to realize that this is stealing and trust is important. I cannot make anyone do anything, nor will I punish someone for learning, but I won’t allow boundaries to be stepped upon, either. There needs to be accountability, too. We all gotta live here!

I hope you enjoy my testing grounds. We are adjusting properly, there is great learning and great growth coming into light. So much more needs to be done. It’s a good thing I’m home at this time, although I am beginning to worry in the background, we’ve had $0 support so far in our quest and my manifesting isn’t up to par, due to lack of positive programming. I do hope you’ll consider supporting us so that I can continue caring in this way for them, improving not only their lives but mine and by releasing this book in the near future –the rest of this world’s.

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