Poverty: Part 2

I took a fast walk this morning to get the body and mind to hang out for a spell. I’ve been in the spirit a lot, but my mind has been taking control again, lately.
This time in my life is really very frightening. I’m freelance writing, but still the only income I get until the 15th of July is food stamps and child support (covers only enough to pay for utilities). My fear engulfs me. I’m applying for jobs left and right, but my age and work past deters employers. I’ve left 4 jobs in 2 years, due to lies from employers.
I am trying to fill my mind’s cup with positive future thoughts, I’m working hard at my book (yesterday, the computer crashed and 60 pages were erased, even though I backed the files up several times). I’m calling the bank today to tell them I’m not paying the mortgage starting this month, I’m just not able.
I did land a job, beginning next Weds, bar tending (which I feel isn’t a good fit, consciously) & making Wisconsin’s minimum wage ($7.50) plus tips. I have to say, the thought of working with drunk people rather than with my children is sheer agony. My fear can not lead me. Regardless, my kids’ behaviors are at a crescendo, I believe we peaked yesterday. So much attention is being poured upon them, their feelings are just gushing out! It’s been such a long time for them.

Last evening I had to draw a family meeting up and it lasted over 2 hours with tears and worries and newfound communications. We made Safe Words to use when someone is losing their s*@t. When someone’s yelling, we can say, “The shrieking eels” like in The Prince Bride. Another word is “Ostrich” when someone is cramming their head underneath pillows to ignore what you’re saying. And another is “Couch Potato” when someone is being lazy, not helping out. We hope these Safe Words help us through. There was talk of foster care & how I am afraid I may have to place them because I’m not making ends meet. It ended with promises to change viewpoints and attitudes from each individual. Hugs, tears and “I love yous” were plenty. We had a light dinner, watched 2 short cartoons and went down the road for a long walk in nature with fog wisps, frogs, sunshine, mosquitoes and rain –oh and a possible Sasquatch sighting. We are beginning family therapy next month. That’s far too far off…

My van is acting strange and I can’t afford a mechanic to repair it. I hope it’s just the muffler; it’s gotten super loud and clackety after buying gas at Holiday on 40th in Duluth.
I’m seeing so much coming to a head…

It’s really hard not to catastrophize. I’ve asked everyone I know for support. Even reached out to my grandfather. I received a Surprised-face emoji, yet no reply. I am at my wit’s end. My body isn’t good enough for dancing nude, otherwise, I might consider it.

The thing is, I have been able to keep us afloat with a mere $2500 for the past 3 months. I know how to live minimalisticly. I know how to pinch, scrape and do with what I have. I don’t spend extravagantly, I can’t stand consumerism any longer; Saver’s and Earth Exchange are the only places I will clothes shop (unless it’s undies). I can get a family of 8 eating fresh fruit and veggies on the wonderful food stamps (SNAP) we receive –we are so very grateful for this! I only buy prepared food for emergencies –everything else is from scratch. God, I hope Trump doesn’t cut SNAP, too…
Before I took this leap, I bought each menstruating female in the house Thinx panties to stop filling landfills with pads & tampon plungers, plus to save money on ‘feminine products.’ We LOVE them! I also purchased a bidet to use less toilet paper (since March I’ve paid $16 on tp, total! I used to spend $25 a month). This was such a good decision! I hate going without one, now. I am literally doing everything I can trying to sell things, you name it, yet I fear we’re going to be swept up in the tides of poverty and homelessness… I fear and also look forward to finding out what’s coming in the future. But financially, I can’t keep it up like this without an income. I just can’t.

I know the universe is holding us. We are important. We’re trying to make a difference in this dark, angry and hurting world. We’re blasting light where ever we can, and trying to practice what we preach at home and out in the world. This is us. There is no different us, no at-home us, no behind-closed-doors us. We are who we are from the front to the back, no faking. We are bare and submitting our lives to the fate of what this world offers. We receive as we receive. I don’t want fear to lead us, but rather truth and joy. The pursuit of happiness!
We hold our hands cupped, like a bowl, and fill the bowl with positive thoughts, hopes and dreams for our future. I know what negative thinking has done for me for years, now I’m trying positive –and my kids are, too.

As long as I’m making a change with my girls by keeping by their side; loving when needed, guiding even when unwanted, I’m doing the right thing. They need their mother. This is my job. I shouldn’t be out of the home, away from my offspring to make money in exchange for their safety, joy and confidence. I don’t see the trade-off. What’s the good in working 3 jobs to keep a dumpy house going only to lose your children to teen pregnancy, rape, estrangement, abuse, violence, drugs, drama, jail and/or prison??? I see no trade off.
This is America. Living the American dream: work your ass off, let the government raise your kids for you, try to love those kids that you can’t understand –nor stand, because they don’t understand you –nor even like you, have the house you wish was better, a car you can’t keep fueled, and die in an institution after retiring. I’m not living that!! I’d sooner die, first.

This country is a sham. It says it’s the richest, but it’s the one in the most debt. It says it’s the most powerful –but it’s eating its own. It says it’s the most welcoming –but it’s got concentration camps holding immigrants. It claims to be free but in reality, every citizen is it’s slave! This country is sick! Its a lie. It says “Do as I say, not as I do” and we just allow it. We blindly accept this stupid societal setup as Reality and keep working for the Man. Like we did with our own parents. We didn’t speak up because of fear of rejection. This country is in denial. It’s gone bankrupt and it’s eating itself to survive, and yet it keeps on going…

I think I’ll take it’s cue and just keep going!