This morning I was awakened to the largest, loudest thought: our children are like Satellite Dishes…
What we put into them comes out. They have no prior programming, and will show our behaviors to us, constantly. They mimic us. They know nothing else to compare life to.
The mental and medical field will tell us our children need help getting their feelings out. Yes, but they don’t want to send potential customers away by offending them with the utmost truth: your child is a brat because of you!
Ok, I got that slap out of the way, you coiling up to swing at me? Lemme duck. Whew. That was close! Ok, now are you willing to listen? Is your child worth changing for? Do you want to do the work it takes to bring up a child who can function fully in a world jam-packed with stigmas, cliques, judgments, responsibilities, and requirements? Is your child’s future worth the effort it takes to pave a path for them? If not, I suggest you crack open a beer and call the nearest child protection services. Let your child go if that’s how you love them. But if you’re ready, dive in and don’t look back because things are going to get really hard before they get any easier. And when they do finally start getting easier (notice, I don’t claim it will ever be “easy”), the life you’re now living (enduring) with your children will be a blip in the past. It will be a mountain you scaled within inches of your life –and you made it!
- First off, think of your child. What do you dislike about him or her? Write those qualities down. Take your time. (PS Burn this after you’re done!)
- Now, ask yourself, starting with the first quality, “Do I also act like this? When?” Recognize yourself in your children. See the truth, you probably placed this quality in your child. If not, move on to the next negative quality –but be honest with yourself! Denial is a strong, thick veil and we like to stay beneath it; we believe the lie that it’s less damaging that way.
- Third, ask yourself, “Do I love this child as an extension of myself?” If you cannot stop separating yourself from your child’s behavior, you’re denying them; rejection will likely be a giant obstacle for them to overcome throughout their entire life. The message they’ll receive is: they are not in your best interest. You’re not loving unconditionally. You are not accepting them. Recognize this within you, and adjust. This is evolution. It hurts! But pain is good with growth, remember that. Keep repeating, “It’s safe to feel.”
Here’s an exercise to try if you’re stumbling with this one: Think, what would it feel like if this child were gone, suddenly? If they weren’t there any longer to do this thing, would you remember this quality fondly? Would this be a character issue you’re not accepting of your child? Is this something you could feel positively about if they never had this attitude/quality/behavior? Be honest, this is growth. - Adjust. Recognize your actions, your behaviors, your qualities. Are they similar? If so, why are you trying to shrink that within your child? Realize how unconditional love would never try to force another to change for them, but would accept and actually love this about the other. If it’s unacceptable behavior, recognize it as it is, and be honest with yourself: have you never once, in your entire lifetime, ever, not done this or wanted to? If you’re perfect, then go ahead and toss stones (don’t really!). See the capabilities within yourself to behave in the manner your child acts in. No one is perfect. Don’t expect perfection from your children if you, yourself cannot behave perfectly.
- Address each and every beef you have with your child. Ask yourself, “would I continue to love this person without these qualities?”
Yes? Then be tolerant with them as they experience their life’s path; if you aren’t behaving in ways you’d be ashamed of your friends behaving, then let them experience the feeling, as you did, and learn their lessons, as you did.
No? Then please, by all means, find a good home for your child. But really, find it in your heart to recognize that you’re in too deep and go to someone for help! Get you and your child into counselling. Remember, I’m from poverty, State provided insurance covers mental health completely! No excuses, rich or poor –get your beloved into a program and get yourself in there with them! This isn’t about them, it’s about you, parent. - Now, after you’ve scribbled, cried and dripped snot all over your paper, burn it. Then, go speak with your child about their feelings about how you behave. Ask questions, find out what they need but haven’t words to ask for. For example, if you’re child acts clingy; that’s a sign they’re most likely feeling ignored, over-looked, and/or rejected. They need what you resist, so push into giving them what they’re acting out about; cuddle, hug, laugh, tell stories about their childhood, reminisce, and listen to their stories. Be gentle, and most of all LISTEN. Listen to them, looking into their eyes, being truly invested in their feelings. These are the people that are going to open up this world like a great, big walnut! These are people with the key to our evolution!
I want you to know, this can be done with young and older children –even “kids” in their 40’s and so on. Most of our children’s shitty behaviors were programmed into them when we were oblivious that they were even listening. They were babies, observing, listening and logging. They didn’t even have language to process what they programmed into their motherboards, it was simply our responses to their needs and our reactions to outside forces. That’s what they base their present running program upon.
I promise, once you recognize that the behaviors you hate in others are really the ones you hate and need to adjust in you you’ll start to evolve. The feeling is agony to approach, we resist facing it in the biggest way. Once we let go of the fight, when we release the constant need for knowing everything, when we allow unconditional love in, it will sweep us into nonjudgmental, accepting, and peaceful people. It could even be described as actual Heaven on Earth. We learn to be truly peaceful and forgiving. We become as the gods that our ancestors taught us to believe are beyond us …far more advanced …could I go so far as to say …Evolved?
There are no bad kids, only bad examples.