Lots of thinking. milling. pacing. doing. resting. looking. and wondering.
In all actuality, I’ve been worrying. Creating my own personal hell –while quarantined.
Isolated.
Stuck in my room, grounded. For 3 weeks.
So, do I want to continue in this?? Hell no!
Does this continued web browsing, social media checking and fleeing help? This panic is literal torture. Why am I doing this to myself?
I see I’m often in Flight Mode.
Yet, when I stepped into the kitchen today, it was the very same as yesterday –and I see that I am fortunate to have a kitchen. Nothing has changed. Nothing outside looks different. But, I’m changing within!
If I had a choice of what emotion I’d like to feel every waking hour of the day, I’d choose happiness.
Well, guess what? I DO have a choice! Because when I’m picking up the phone to check Facebook, that’s a choice. When I’m looking at the news articles and “facts” about this novel virus, that’s a choice, too! When I set my art aside to read posts from people afflicted; when I place my child’s needs second and they’re possibly even suffering; when I’m focusing solely on the pain of others, ignoring the gifts surrounding me –that’s a choice.
So I choose happiness. I choose to flip the pyramid, ahem, my perspective; to see what’s within my reach.
I’ve got this!
Also, I’m going to try doing something called The Work, by Byron Katie.
Here goes:
I feel resentment toward my stepfather because he competed with me for my mother’s love.
Is this true? Yes.
Was it always true? No. There were many memories of him being playful with me. Of him including me, not trying to pit me against her. Something changed, beyond my child capabilities. So I guess the answer is “no.”
How do I feel or react when I have this thought? Confused. Confused because I don’t understand what went wrong; why he began to act like he hated me.
Who would I be without this thought? Lighter. It’s not anything I can fix, nor control. It is how it is.
WOW!! Logic!!
Now, the last bit, turn it onto me. I feel resentment toward myself because I competed with my stepdad for my mother’s love.
OMG. Is this how logic works? This is incredible. I feel an incredible lightness within. There’s nothing I can do about my stepdad’s disdain for me; I was a child; I did nothing wrong in seeking my mother’s love. I feel no more resentment! I am letting go.
Hmmmm, what if I tried it on my mother?
I feel resentment toward my mother for choosing my stepdad over me.
Is this true? Yes.
Was it always true? Can I think of any times when it wasn’t true? Oh boy, can I. She stood up to him a few times in my favor, yes. Not consistently, but she did, so the answer is no.
How do I react when I say that she didn’t choose my stepdad over me? I feel like it’s a lie. I want to fight that it’s true, she did choose him. I feel it, it’s my ego; it really wants to be felt. I feel sadness and maybe an emptiness about it.
Who would I be without that thought? I’d be a less stressed, less rejected individual.
Turn it around.
I feel resentment toward me for choosing my stepdad over me.
OH MY STARS!!! I was dumping all of my power into resenting him. Creating my very own, private hell –in the middle of a total shutdown. During isolation. MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.
I hope this can help. My great wish was to be able to stop getting furious and get curious –and Katie Byron helped me with these 4 simple questions, plus the flip. It’s helping me to adjust, to regulate, to accept what is; what I cannot change. It also helps me recognize the truth of the matter. Keeps me from being disillusioned and from feeling suddenly let down or rejected.
I can turn this even one more time and see how I’ve let this victim-hood define me; it’s been who I am for so long. I don’t want to be known for resilience to suffering, and that doesn’t leave marks to let anyone know I was good at it. -besides, being good at being miserable isn’t one of my goals –never has been!
It’s all within my mind.
And stopping the spread of Covid-19 is within my hands. It’s within my capabilities to mingle as little as possible, living my best life. And, I can wash my paws. 🙂
Love to you all. Be well.