For the past couple of days, I’ve been going through my thoughts about other people. Why don’t I have many “others” in my life currently? Why do I pull away when someone reaches towards me? What’s setting me off people? Do I even desire companionship beyond my children and a few, choice adults?
For starters, I know that my lenses are thick now; the way I view the world is askew. From birth until I left home to marry, I was exposed to rage, false accusations, distrust, criticism, suspicion, shame, mockery, threats, severe punishments, and betrayal. My core repelled me from such attributes and I often fled from those who acted in any way like my parental figures.
Not surprising to the psychological field, I grew up and hastily married a man who’d been abused physically, neglected and rejected, and needing lots of love and attention. I needed to mother someone (would have been best if I’d chosen to love myself), and he craved a loving mother. That lasted until I couldn’t stomach living a nightmare.
When I woke up from my own mental illness files crashing, I was able to recognize abuse for what it was. It was almost as if each rude gesture, accusation, assumption and deception blinked brightly in this new reality. I am completely repelled by all forms of abuse and will do whatever I can to escape spending my precious life with those who enjoy that lifestyle. Remember that News clip from last decade, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
My close-knit group of friends and family should be a joy to spend time with -even when things tough arise, because we’ll band together and support, rather than call out accusations, lay blame, and argue.
I realize I’ve removed many friends and family from my circle by choice. As I see it, surrounding myself with mentally ill, unintentionally cruel people is an option I didn’t realize I could say no to, until recently. In reality, if I want to be abused I can walk around the corner to the biker bar and push over some motorcycles. Those days are gone. I cherish and look forward to spending time with caring people I can place my trust in; folks I can learn from and share values with.
Blood doesn’t mean jack if blood abuses and refuses to cease.