You know how smooth a lake gets right before dawn? Imagine that calm water is the center of your body.
Now, imagine when we are calm, that image is what others see and feel in our presence.
Now, how about conflict? How do we deal with it?
Recall how conflict with others feels within the body; like when we meet a person who doesn’t agree with our opinions, is unfair, defends their truths against ours, hurls insults, betrays us, or sets surprise boundaries? How does it feel when we meet someone who doesn’t like us?
Recall feeling how that feels. Do you feel the pressure rising within as the charge begins to build? It may happen too fast. It happens with lightning speed after years of successful practice. If we’ve been practicing discharging our pent up charges, soon we may not even be aware what we are saying or doing.
As our emotions rise, so does our inner body of water, and in very little time we begin letting go of the built-up charge by trying to explain our choices, protecting our honor, defending our beliefs, admitting failures, denying possibilities, or retaliating for vengeance or someone’s honor.
Within moments our calm internal river is a raging current, billowing over the edges, engulfing and drowning out all who are near –even our children or our beloved mate can become our negative charge’s target.
We vent the built-up charge by abusing those around us; expressing our deep feelings, fears, hates, and suspicions onto whoever will listen.
We spew out our rage, unmet goals, lost dreams, and our worst nightmares instead of experiencing our own feelings, as we’re meant to.
We unload our own charge onto others and do not take responsibility for our own feelings; we give our discomfort away in a rush, and in doing things this way, we harm those we love, even long-term.
This experience is called Dysregulation.
What is DYSREGULATION?
Dysregulation is a gentle word for losing our shit; it’s the equivalent to a tantrum, but it’s done by an adult.
Dysregulation is when the body floods with a feeling or many feelings, and additional, crushing waves of feelings crash down from the sides, above, and below. We feel a need to Survive our experience and cope in the best way we can.
The mind sends hormones AND a desperate urge that overcomes thoughts to take care of things… NOW!
We open our mouths and eject our fears, defend our assumed rights, or criticize with vengeance to silence the other; to end the struggle that is going on within.
We don’t like to feel because we were never regulated during our childhoods. We weren’t given role models who exhibited healthy behaviors. When we were in breakdown, no one came. We were left to “cry it out” in our childhoods, never coming to lessons, never seeing consequences. In our times of need in our youngest years, when we expressed desires for our needs to be met, we were instead met with silence, discord, and confusion. We had to lean on ourselves for regulation, and we didn’t know how to do that without anyone role modelling it for us, so we coped.
How do I notice I’m getting Dysregulated?
You’ll need to begin practicing grounding strategies, first, because you need to know what you feel like inside your body to compare it during Dysregulation. Practice taking slow breaths and notice your surroundings. Say things like, “I am safe” and “the year is ___ and I am __ years old” while hugging yourself. Dig your feet into the ground, touch the area around you, see it, smell it, taste something, listen. Notice your surroundings and focus on your breath for a while.
Dysregulation is felt it in our body. First, our shoulders and jaw begin to tense, maybe a sensation of movement starts vibrating in the arms and legs.
Getting to know our feelings can help. Find a Feelings Wheel to identify what feeling is felt inside.
Recognize triggers. Label feelings and emotions. Once you can name it, you can learn to tame it.
Usually dysregulation begins when someone nearby says something that is contradictory to our truth, casts accusation or blame, or offers unrequested advice that sounds critical.
An urgent need to get our feelings heard is the red flag waving: We are going into Dysregulation.
What causes C-PTSD?
The very people who were supposed to provide safety and nurture made our childhoods challenging and/or unsafe.
During our childhoods (0-7 years) we were programming the basic Life Program. Our own Life Program is personally crafted. It is the foundation for our futures; it was created as we perceived our caregiver’s patterns. These patterns are the same ones we will likely try to recreate in our adulthoods –chaos and negligence will one day weave our adult attachment and parenting styles.
As we log familial patterns, coping strategies, and behaviors of our role models, we are witnessing and recording events from our childhoods to create a template for our future life. And, with this template, we begin to fashion what belongs and what doesn’t belong in our adult lives.
*Please, keep in mind, our parents weren’t monsters; they were emotionally illiterate. They didn’t know they were dysregulated, nor did they know their behaviors during dysregulation would cause damage to their children’s minds. Most likely, their parents exhibited dysregulation in their childhoods and they’re ignorantly passing it down. Well, to hell with generational traumas being passed down; it stops with us!
Remember, since we were young we’ve been coping to survive and our traumas have been shaping our C-PTSD.
In chaotic or empty homes we were never allowed to express our truths with our parents; our power to say “no” was beaten, silenced, or shamed out of us, long ago. Our needs weren’t paramount to our parent’s wants; we were left to cry for our needs to be met for far longer than we should have; our parents were busy with life, trying to keep the bills paid, and attempting to keep a semblance of what they think love is alive.
Some were even instructed by their doctors to parent in this way; unaware of the damage they created in their child with their need to stay busy.
What happens when we’ve been triggered?
When others show behaviors that threaten our livelihoods, our minds go to the time, long ago, where we were forced to cope in a hostile or unsafe environment. Instantly, our Vagus Nerve is agitated, our nervous system kicks into high gear, and we go right into Survival.
Survival looks like:
- A pressing need to explain and/or excuse ourselves, choices, or dislikes; this is the Fawning behavior of Survival mode.
- A demanding need to charge ahead, scream obscenities, accuse atrocities, and/or attack or defend physically and/or verbally; this is the Fight behavior of Survival mode.
- Needing to run away, to hide and explode into a mass of tears and sobs in solitude; this is the Flight response of Survival mode.
During Dysregulation we let our emotions loose, unlike any time permitted during the our youths.
While discharging, it feels relieving; we feel the negative charge leave our body with our unleashing.
We think we will feel better afterwards, and believe we can return to calm, again if we do it; but we’re lying to ourselves. We leave a wake of destruction in our path; we create chaos and distrust with our actions, and we have to either own up to our lack of control and unleashing of abuse, or deny it ever happened, which creates a whole new charge building inside.
*Take note: when we exhibit dysregulated behaviors, we manipulate those in our presence. We assault their ears with shouting, we attack their egos with accusations, we demand, cajole, and threaten to get our needs met, immediately –and that makes those in our vicinity shift into Survival mode as well, as they take on our charge and try to cope with it.
Like us, they may dysregulate; they may drop into Fawn, Fight, or Flight, matching our charge; and they may volley back with an attack of dysregulated behaviors –most especially our children and loved ones. They know they don’t deserve to carry our emotional charge; they feel a need to Survive our attack, and if they’re feeling bold or strong enough, they, too, will fight for their own survival. If this happens, our house can be heard for a 3 block radius.
Most people with C-PTSD are unaware these are unhealthy behaviors; if ranting and discharging has been working for us historically, we will just see this as life: completely normal.
We will also be completely ignorant to the waves we create in our loved ones’ lives and appear to not care. Our first apologies will be met with relief, but as we continue to have to apologize for losing our shit, our loved ones lose hope and trust in us.
In a child, this can be a breaking point in the relationship. A child who feels disconnected from their parent feels they have done something wrong to cause it; a child internalizes and personalizes abuse, turning it inward in a mantra of “I’m so stupid,” “I’m a bad child” “If I could be a good kid, they wouldn’t do this anymore,” and so on.
These mantras are what will be the running program for our child in their adult life, so you see? This is important! As parents entrusted with the lives of the future, it is our responsibility to regulate our emotions and role model behaviors and speech that we want our children to exhibit. With support of a therapist or trained professional, this can be healed.
What does Dysregulation feel and look like?
Dysregulation looks hot and bothered, it’s tense, defensive, often loud, explosive, and impatient.
It feels like our bodies are out of control; we begin flooding with hormones and overwhelming feelings. We may feel wrongly accused, betrayed, or ashamed for something we’ve done, or we’re simply disgruntled.
At the point of triggering Dysregulation, our fists may curl up into balls, a tightness may form in the chest, neck, and we may clench our jaw. Our feet, hands, and chest may tingle, and the backs of our legs may flex, instinctively.
Contrary to religious teaching, we are animals of prey and predators in the animal kingdom; we have animal-like behaviors that we cannot disown simply because we believe we’re at the top of the food chain. Feelings are proof of life; emotions are written in our DNA; Survival is instinctual, and Survival is learned during the most formative years: the Beta years 0-7.
Humans are literally wired to preserve our lives, to protect our organs, and depending on the severity of our childhood home life, some of us fight for survival more than others.
To onlookers: we are out of control, “freaking out,” and entitled, demanding our wants or needs to be met.
What can I do when I realize I’ve become Dysregulated?
Remove yourself from the room.
Try saying to the room, “Excuse me, I’m feeling overwhelmed with_____,” Then, name that feeling and then leave the room to go feel it. Alone.
We will want to stay and disperse our built-up energy within; we will feel like we must do something, or else…
But, our feelings are our own; we should never blow out our overwhelm onto others unless they’ve accepted and agreed upon it (such as with a therapist), and patience is a virtue.
Where you choose to go to feel is completely up to you, but go to a space you’ll be safe, feel through this overload of emotions, and express freely. If you need to sit in a friend’s car and blast their radio, ask them & go do it. If you need to sit in the dark and breathe, do. If you need to paint a mural about how bad you feel inside, grab the paints and brushes –just don’t unleash it on others!
You need to remove yourself to release the extra charge, otherwise, you’re going to personally harm others, either verbally, mentally, or physically when you discharge your overload onto them.
*Note: Children will take a bout of dysregulation from an authority figure and assume all accountability for it; they will believe they are the “bad” person who is responsible for the adult’s outbursts –and that’s called parentification; don’t allow yourself to do this!
While in our private space, we sit with our feelings. Over and over, there will be an overwhelming desire to get up and take care of things swiftly, like our parents or caregivers did. Tell this part to rest, take a break; there’s no hurry, we need to return our brains to a social state.
Inside our body, our Vagus Nerve has activated the nervous system for Survival. The Endocrine System dumps a hormone concoction into the blood to assist. Organs are shut off from blood supply, and the Cardiovascular System engages the heart to pump more blood, the lungs to chug more oxygen, and the blood to circulate throughout only our arms and legs. In our brains, our Hippocampus isn’t even in contact with our Frontal lobes for logic. We can’t make important decisions, can’t make life changes, and can’t problem solve giant mysteries; our logical mind has been shut down; the body believes we’re in need of protecting our survival.
We feel like we have to discharge to feel better, but in reality we have to disengage!
What are healthy things to do when I’m Dysregulated?
Retreat! Find safety for your loved one’s sakes.
Breathe, feel, get curious to those feelings, not furious.
Release the need to know and solve every problem; instead, just feel the intense feelings through.
Don’t judge feelings, they’re just feelings. Let them pass over, just as we allow the clouds in the sky. Watch thoughts and feelings float by.
Be the observer, not the reactor.
How do I know it’s working?
Yes, doing this is really hard. The first few flexes of the self-control muscle feel like nothing happens at all. After trying for an extended time we may feel like it’s not working, but it is. We will get the hang of it if we keep at it.
Yet, after flexing, stepping away, and feeling our overwhelm elsewhere, time and time again, the muscle to regulate emotions gets intensely stronger, and soon the day comes where we can step away from circumstances that trigger us, rather than create Karen-style scenes on our loved ones.
What good is Regulating our emotions?
Learning to regulate our emotions ends a cycle of trauma! No longer will our loved ones be terrorized into Survival by our dysregulation. No longer will our children be forced to cope in our presence. No longer will our mates feel anxiety when expressing needs or when needing to speak on difficult topics –the people we love won’t shrink when they tell us “no” anymore. They’ll feel safe and understood with us.
Will I always be this way?
Healing Dysregulation is possible. Healing C-PTSD is possible, too.
A life of healthy mind and body is possible with dedication and vulnerability.
Having a happy home life is attainable; just work at it one flex at a time, and keep those inner waters calm.
Soon our children and loved ones will hopefully mimic our role modelling, then we can all begin living securely with our loved ones. Our children can grow up confident, regulated, and functioning successfully in loving, caring relationships.
Bonus: our children will never accept unhealthy relationships as “normal,” sparing them of future heartbreak and traumas caused by dysregulated mates.
May you be gifted with this information.
May you be set free from trauma bonds, enmeshment, parentification, abuses, dysregulation, and manipulations.
May all of your needs be met, may you heal, and may you thrive.
Love,
Alexis