Few days have passed since our last meet, friend. I’ve been organizing, scanning and painting new illustrations. I’m now looking into a good program to put this into Graphic Novel form!
May I step forward and state, I am placing 100% of my time into my Practice. My Practice is working one-on-one with the most difficult people I know: my children. People I raised to this point; my own responsibilities. They have been neglected and abused in these years prior, so I’m taking this time to repair the damage that resulted in placing my family on hold during my crisis time.
The Practice is non-stop: my kids will always have something for me to practice with! I’m just like a monk or a street corner preacher –I’m facing the daily challenge in the most difficult place I know: my home –the place where I’m most comfortable and can go ahead and be who I am in. They accept me just as I am, warts and all, and no one tells me when my behavior is bad. I am checking myself! All of the time! “Was that rude?” “Did I answer sharply?” “Am I actually even listening to my child?” and “Am I being equal to all?” go through my head [& I have to answer] after many, daily many interactions! And my kids are seeing this shit go on, they see mom step back, take a deep breath –they brace for the onslaught of old-mom’s catastrophe-laden, guilt and shame tossing –and New-mom begins to ask questions, listens to answers, gives all a chance, and then somehow finds peace and resolution, rather than compromise and/or someone is punished, bye, go now, leave. No more fragmenting my children with this bullshit parenting our parents taught us. Now’s the time for me to treat my children like the valuable beings they are! They can help me soar –as long as I’m not hindering them with criticism, doubt and disdain.
Childhood is their learning ground. This is where mistakes are supposed to be made and learning will follow! No more punishing, I’m finished with that bullshit. I don’t want prisoners for children, I want willing partners!
Each day is begun with a hot cup of tea with honey (today Agave!) and follows with a LOT of mothering time along with stealing early morning and noon time to work on my book/blog/podcasts. It’s truly difficult finding enough time to fit all these things in in one day. Laundry, sweeping, up-keeping and shopping have to stand in priority mode, as well, otherwise, who suffers? I often think of myself as a computer and see Computer-Me has far too many programs running.
During the first three weeks of this Practice (mothering with full acceptance, listening, and keeping my cool) I recognized a pattern. I was beginning to feel great fatigue. My children became somehow even more whiny and needy. Their dependence upon me was drowning. They came to me on every single, solitary infringement. Each and every tiny little thing was brought to my attention. I was pressed into corners, shouted at, called names, told I was hated, and threatened. It was brutal. My children had been hurting all this time. On a side note: the youngest said to me, “I hate school, they take us away from our mommies!” They needed hugs when shit fell, –and there’s no one at school who’s willing to hug someone, most days. They were exhausted from their own fighting and bickering. They were starving for a parent to love and accept them, warts and all –and I have stepped up to the plate. With hindsight I can see they had empty cups and I needed to fill them. Woah, it’s been super heavy, and super worth it. I’m doing all the work a Ranch hand would for Dr Phil. Plus, we’re all getting paid back with love and happiness. This is good. Exhausting, anxious but so good when the hard work’s done.
They are worth it.
No amount of money could ever replace these past 6 weeks of my one-on-one with them. The thought that I may return to work 40 hours per week guts my soul. Single parents have odds stacked against them. How will I get them straightened up, and keep them on track? The kids have blossomed so much in such a short amount of time (and oh my god, has it been grueling!). I fear if I return to the workforce, my kids are going to go haywire –they’ve grown accustomed to knowing I’m here for them, as a mother should be! If I leave often, they’ll once more be left to raise themselves –because I can’t afford to get a sitter for this many, nor do I crave some other person to raise my kids! It’s stupid!
How can I raise this many children, on my own? I just don’t know. I hope the Universe keeps supplying as she does. I can only lean hard and realize all my resistances and push into them.
It’s funny, but I feel like the state of our country mirrored my own life up until last year; my own experiences are reflected with media, news and trends. I’ve For years I and this country have taken our eyes off of the goal. The goal here is happiness, I think we can all agree. Why do we create bullshit and red tape for most big decisions, and why do we allow people whom we KNOW are masters of deception to tool over us? Why do we keep perpetuating this constant lifestyle of rush-rush-rush to get to where we don’t even like, so we can drive home, rush-rush-rushing, to a messy house, unhappy children, dinner to make, and a disgruntled spouse?
Why do we think this is normal? Why do we stay in jobs that we despise? Why do we work for people we can’t look in the eye, knowing they don’t care about our lives? How many days do we need to drive to and from a job we hate, with people we can’t stand, and return to a home that we wish was better –nothing is ever enough! We are fat, lazy children, not wanting to take up our responsibilities and do what’s right! We’re leaning on the understandings of our forefathers, accepting their words as gospel, continuing to work jobs that rip people off and make enemies for bosses who don’t appear to care about how much suffering they’re causing.
My hope in this great future is to step forward, to be able to hold my children’s hands along the way, to bring in enough income to at least get by, and hopefully shower other mothers like myself with abundance, not lack.
At this time my abundance is in love, clutter, dust and tears, but it’s getting better –and I’m a bazillionaire in Love!
So, along with the worry of not knowing how my next mortgage payment is going to be met, I am also worrying over our family vehicle. I filled it with gas from a Holiday station I’d never visited before, and immediately within the hour my van started knocking. I’m so afraid to drive it, and I don’t know any mechanics. Toss on a lot of anxiety over my mother stepping back into my email life, taunting and shaming me, rather than encouraging and supporting me on my endeavor to raise my offspring, and I’ve been a ball of nerves, for sure. After my last “chat” with her I felt how horrible my guts used to ache with her in my life, constantly. I actually was holding my tummy, bent over and wincing throughout the day, after. I could feel the cancer growing. Ick! I’ve suffered IBS most of my life and I recognized its threat to return. Immediately I took a long, deep breath, blew out the ache in my belly region, accepted that I cannot change a person who is unwilling to change, and stepped back into an upright position. Dwelling on negativity does nothing but steal my joy, which in turn steals my children’s joy. I need to chin up, feel first, but chin up and move forward.
If you’re loving my content, if you’re having a good time reading what’s what in this home, please think about becoming a philanthropist, support us in this endeavor. The book is coming along nicely, although it’s truly a challenge getting the scans in order, placing, framing and all the guidelines– at the kitchen table, among so much chaos. I’m hoping it will be finished within a couple of months, less if I can stop outside work altogether. It will be a great thing for you, other parents, and a great thing for us.
I wish you well, loves.
~Alexis
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