December 14, 2020
I’ve reached the downs. I’m rather low these days.
It’s a New Moon, like my long ago, dog’s name. I’m feeling really awful this morning. Tightness in my chest. Tightness all over.. like I’m waiting for bad news. Like I know bad news is on the way, or I’m bringing bad news to the future, myself. My therapist assures me this is because I’m conditioned to expect highs after lows and visa versa.
I’m frustrated to be so dependent, it disgusts me. I hate needing help, I was taught that to ask for help is to admit weakness; but that’s stupid!
The overwhelm is nauseating. My head feels full, my swollen frontal lobes be thumping. My heart is full feeling. My forehead hurts. I can feel inside; all these are parts wishing to be validated and I’m giving them space but I don’t know what to do with all of them. I’m overwhelmed by how many are here.
I became aware I was in Shutdown this morning.
This is how I worked through it. I sat at my computer and cried as I felt and wrote these thoughts. May this help you. This was my process:
Fear gets front seat. She’s almost the leader here. She’s afraid of catching Covid19. She hates grocery shopping, is afraid of slippery roads and high places; she’s afraid of men who look like her toxic stepdad and exes. She’s scared of fanatics; of having a loved one harmed; of intruders and attackers; and monsters of men.
Anger is here. She is really feeling mad at my stepdad; he’s a pustule. She wants revenge but doesn’t want it, too. She wants him gone from her life. He’s done enough destruction. He can go. Hello Anger, I understand. When you and Rage took control and nearly killed him… I truly understand. He had no right to hurt me; he had no right to abuse, belittle and humiliate me. He is a small, hateful man, you’re right. You are right to want retribution. Seeing my mother turn a blind eye, belittle my pain, and even abuse me for reporting it… Anger, you have every right to sit beside me. Hello, thank you for caring so much about my well being.
I feel you, Alone. I fear all this shit, Alone; you are here now, with me, so we’re not alone anymore. You’re welcome here Alone. You’ve cared so much for me.
Anxiety? Oh damn, hello. I live every god damn day worrying over shit that’s come to be, isn’t yet, and may be. I’m exhausting my days with all of the things that aren’t going right, with all the things that could go awry without support, I’m unable to enjoy life for longer than 5 minutes before it’s mentioned in my mind again. I am burdened! I want out! I’ve been taught well to worry. It’s a challenge to stop driving in those deep ruts.
I feel trapped and scared and angry. I’m in shutdown coming up to fight-flight. Its exhausting. It’s scary. It’s challenging.
I’m overwhelmed, frightened, terrified even.
Hello Overwhelm. We have a lot on our plates don’t we? There’s just too much for me to do, and no will power to do it with. I understand why you’re here, Overwhelm. Come and sit with me, I welcome your input, I welcome the care you have for me. Thank you for wanting to cover all the bases. Thank you for wanting me free of obligations.
Hello Fright. Sit down. Breathe. It’s scary right now. You have every right to feel this way. You’ve been with me a lot in life. You’ve woken me in the night reminding me of my mother’s lies. You’ve been there shaking me to awareness, showing me what is dangerous and where to run. Thank you.
Terrify? You are fine where you’re standing, but here’s a spot if you’d like to sit with us. You’ve been with me for a long time, friend. It’s time I allowed you in rather than my continued rejection; you’re only looking out for my life. Without you I’d walk right into trouble. Thank you for your care, Terrify. You know what dangers are out there, you know what could be. You’re invested in me, and I should accept you as my companion. Welcome Terrify, sit down with me. Tell me what you want me to know, I am here listening.
I feel Abandonment. Are you here too? Hi. What a terrible feeling. I have been abandoned, it’s true. It is true. But I also chose to abandon. I’ve abandoned those who weren’t invested in my best interests, family even. With your help I’ve been able to abandon exhaustive, toxic companions and set boundaries, even. With you by my side I am able to choose to ignore intentional triggering and aggravations and stop allowing others to victimize me, anymore.
Despair and Depressed? Your roots are Powerlessness, Vulnerability, Inferiority and Emptiness and I feel all of that, and more. I welcome all of these, I feel you inside and you are not for nothing. Your power is strong and meaningful. I’ve been inferior, I am feeling powerless. I feel empty and vulnerable and I welcome you. Come, join us. We are all welcome here.
Powerlessness? You can sit down, but tell me, do you really have zero power? Do I? Truly? Yet I still feel you, you are still valid. Please, show me how to accept you as a part of me.
Vulnerable, you’re a skill, man. Welcome in, you’re helping me to speak today. You’ve helped me heal the relationships with my daughters and son. You’ve helped me heal such deep wounds. You’re an asset, I want you by my side continually, friend.
Then Loneliness… are you here? I know I’m feeling Abandoned and Isolated – with very few friends out in the world, plus my ample supply of children I’ve surrounded myself in keeps the loneliness at bay. It’s like while growing up I needed a club to belong to, yet no one would let me fully in –so I made my own. Now, if I take good care of it, my club will be my club for as long as I live. That’s until I die -says Fear. Thank you Fear, yes, when I close this body’s eyes for the last time, and even beyond.
I’m Insecure. I don’t know what’s going to happen. No one does. Well, some believe they “know,” but visions and fantasies aside. I’m living perched on the edge of a fall from so high up, I can’t see the bottom. I don’t know how long this is going to go on. When will the governing forces actually govern for the people, not for the money? Is it pointless to lean on that hope? I mean, we’re cared for enough to just get by, but it’s not going to last at this rate. Is it? It’s surprising me over and over. I didn’t even know if this day was going to arrive, to be honest. Here it is almost Winter Solstice and below freezing, we have shelter, electric, heat, water… Yet I worry. My insecurity program was written deeply into my core, but I’m worthy of importance, I’m worthy of success, too. I don’t need to ask anyone for approval before making decisions for my life, like I used to believe. Insecurity, welcome. Please, tell me what you need me to know.
I feel Resentful, Devastated, Disrespected, Insignificant, Worthless, Inferior, Inadequate –because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing; am I waiting for something to happen, am I creating? Am I lollygagging? What’s my purpose? While growing up I had to be the strong one. I had no assistance with no suggestions, no advice from successful people –only advice on how to repeat the lives my miserable parents lived. Shrugs, I dunnos and ‘figure it out, yourself’ was all I received, and without the proper programming, I just hung there, waiting to understand. Without parental co-regulating, my panic kept me in panic, unable to see possibilities. No one knew how nor showed me how to escape Fight-Flight by regulating, so I stayed there. Without confidence, I’ve been uncertain for a long time. I don’t recall ever making a decision without first running it by everyone around me. By those in authority… I was in Shutdown; compliant, obedient, terrified, alone. Why wouldn’t I? I accept that, it has peace with me.
Resentment? Hello. You have every reason to feel as you do, there has been a lot of inconsistent bullshit thrown your way –while in your safe space! My own mother couldn’t disconnect the cord, she shoved me out of the nest too soon and then guilted me for not needing her enough for the rest of my childhood and even beyond. Her method was chaos, drama, and tears –just like the teenager behavior I exhibited -which is normal, but at 36?
Like my kids say, “Brah.” Rountines are foreign to me, without boundaries nor consistency, the only constants I could depend on were attacks for misunderstanding and bullying.
Devastation, you have space here. The dreams I created based on my marriage are gone; the hopes, the fantasies our life held are now rubble. Now they’re replaced with uncertain, insecure dreams, afraid to fly, afraid of being too demanding. Scared to fail… But I’m supported, now. I know I can succeed, and I’m connecting my pieces together one by one.
Disrespect, you can sit down by us all, you’re valid, my friend. We were disrespected and often. There’s never been a good reason for them to do it; we’ve been respectful even when it wasn’t reflected, nor observed.
Insignificance you are a close, dear friend. They made me feel this way, only because they hated feeling it and therefor sloughed it off onto me. I’ve been the scapegoat. I am significant, though. I have sustenance and am ample in significance.
I can’t control this. I can’t do anything to stop what’s going on around me, it just keeps going. It’s not going to stop. Somehow I have to find a way to accept this, stop kicking and screaming for the ride to stop, I’ve got to see a middle ground where I can accept what is, has been and will be.
What totally scares me is how powerful my thoughts can be. I must have joined forces to stop this world from turning so fast. Suddenly all I asked for is given me. I get to stay home with my girls all the time, I get to do what ever I want with my days, I get to live my dreams –yet I’m fixated on fear, scarcity, lack, loss, destruction, calamity, and dissolution. What’s it going to be like when I can manifest consistently? With full confidence? I fear my strength. I fear my capabilities, even though they’re just what I want.
In all of this hard stuff, the kids discovered Kahn Academy –and it’s looking even better. They’re interested in learning computer graphics, so this is just what they wanted!
I’m glad to have it. I’ve been lagging lately, my imagination’s shot and they’ve been pining for something “normal.”
I feel judged. Hello judgement. It’s not been very long. Come sit. Welcome. I want to self-deprecate, but that’s not helpful. To be honest, I need kindness and patience; I’m in such a vulnerable feeling state. There’s no reason to insult me while I’m already hurting.
after writing this I stepped to the right, I stepped out the door and saw mail in the box. A card from my mother’s father; my grandpa… the one I set upon a pedestal, who I tried to woo but couldn’t, who threatened to slap the shit out of me, who drove my mother away, who charged me 10% when I borrowed $500 to buy a $1800 car, who told me I was a liar when I told him my husband molested my daughter, who told me I was a terrible daughter to my mother, who caused so much suffering I’m seeing the waves he’s made…
All of his shame.
The scapegoat.
The card wrote nothing of Love, he’s revoked it like it’s his precious dollar. It gave commands, instructing me I have no option but to comply or receive the robot voice. I am dissolved of this. His money has no value, and it’s high time he realized it. I never loved him for his filthy money and I never will.
My kids will like buying some stuff so there’s that.