It has been a whirlwind here! Therapy, meetings, classes, lessons, trips, camping vacation, and lots of cleaning and organizing. Oh golly, we’re worn out. A virus swept through us and now we’ve been knocked down. Forced to lay still.
Being still has caused me to think hard about the busyness of life.
About a month ago I was having difficulties with life. I felt frazzled. At 3pm every day I became so exhausted I could think of nothing but sleep; shutting down; closing off from the insistence I felt within to keep moving. What was that feeling, anyway?? Why was my body jittery, my skin was clammy, my heart felt fast, my breath was short? I felt like I was having a panic attack, but why? I was at home, the children were safe, we were getting things done for the most part. Why was I feeling so judged? And who was judging??
I sat there. Forced my body to sit on the couch, I felt my breath moving in and out. It never quits, I thought. In and out, it keeps going –even when I hold it as I do when I’m stressed. I continued to stay put. It was excruciating! I wanted so bad to go-go-go –but I had no direction. I relaxed even more and the part of me that wanted movement finally made her feelings known. I felt inside of myself this thought, “I have to hurry! I have to hurry up!!! Hurry!”
Why? Hurry to what? To where? When is the prince’s ball, I asked. I felt this feeling like I was a teenager with too much stress. It felt like inside she threw her palms towards the sun and yelled, “I don’t know! I just need to hurry! I have to!”
Suddenly I was thrown into memories of public school mornings; rushing the children into their clothes, “Hurry,” I’d whine, “we need to make it to the bus on time, I can’t drive you guys.” Of rushing them through their breakfasts and snack packing (yeah, wait til the last minute), “Hurry, honey, we can’t be late!” Of shrieking, “Where are your shoes? We’re going to be late! HURRY!” Of grabbing hold of reluctant hands and dragging little, crying bodies to the bus stop, panicking, “Hurry! Hurry up, girls! We’re going to miss the bus and Mommy can’t afford to drive you there!” only to miss the bus and have to drive, arriving just-in-time, or late. Always doing and moving hard and with demand from someone else …who the hell is this guy, anyway? Why am I rushing my children to see him?? The trauma of our school mornings is etched in my soul, honestly. No wonder I sobbed like a child after they drove off in that yellow monstrosity. I’d been rushing insanely and pushing away my loved ones. Why wouldn’t I cry??
It seems I have a problem with time; with managing it and with cherishing it. I squander it. I misuse it. I wait until it’s almost gone before I reach and snatch it –or it’s just plain gone. I have this horrible relationship with time. I think I hate its guts. It’s always been on my heels and up in my business, I fucking hate time! (sorry)
I feel like if I’m 1 minute late my whole body is tense and going nuts. WTH? 1 minute??? It’s just a box with numbers in it. If I’m 5 minutes late, I know I’m now rude.
So, back to sitting on that couch, I was pulled back into myself. I saw all of that in a flash, you must understand. This knowing that grips me is instant and the feelings are physical pain. I believe since I was small I’ve been hurried. Hurry up and clean your room. Hurry up and get the dishes done. Hurry up, we’re leaving. Hurry up, you’ll miss it. Hurry!!!
It’s been programmed into me. I’m rushed and I don’t want to be anymore!!
I sat there on the couch, breathing and listening to the breath. Life went on all around me, I ignored pleas for Mom to stop so-and-so from making noises and kept feeling the urges to rise up and hurry. I fought the feelings to hurry and move. I rested for the sake of the part of me that just needed a moment and couldn’t get it. I rested for the sake of releasing Hurried me’s full control. It was the most difficult exercise I’ve done to myself, ever –and I’ve birthed 8 babies!
If you’re getting the Hurry message, I suggest you force it to sit. Sit with him/her and listen. They will start talking, don’t worry, just give it time. In some good time you’ll get the messages that are looping inside of your mind and with an observer’s position, you may even be able to recognize the break in your loop. I sat for a long time, so don’t worry. You won’t die, even though it feels like you will. At times, you may even find yourself up and moving about –go sit back down. Feel it and let it have its feelings. There’s a part of me that is furious about my busyness. She/he wants to please and feels utmost responsibility for our daily output. This is a good part of us!! I am not saying to delete it, I’m saying that for me, it became overwhelming and I needed to air it out. Gently love her and make her rest, that’s what I did. And let me tell you it was amazing! For the first time, she felt heard. The part of me that was frantic with hurry-worry finally spoke how she felt. I felt what she feels, see every time she comes around I busy myself so I don’t have to hear her –this time I sat in her and lived her life –and it was awful. How could I pile that much responsibility on that part of me? Why? My compassion gave way to intelligent reasoning, which in turn gave Hurry-me a moment to see reality and she/we were able to repair the belief. No more do I need to believe that I have to perform for someone outside of myself. No longer do I need to believe that tardiness gives me a bad name –and I don’t even need to worry about that, either, because I no longer care what others think of me. What my children and I think of me are what matters to me. Hurry-me felt heard. She felt understood. She was validated and we repaired our broken link thinking.
I was just being a human, being. I was simply being and it was good. It’s actually become a weekly process. I fall into “Hurry!” mode without any knowledge of it, but now that I’ve sat with it and felt it, I recognize it. And, now that I recognize the feelings inside of my body that this brings about, I know that I can recognize it earlier and earlier and be a step ahead of the game. I’ll soon be capable of heading those hurried feelings into more productive actions –ones that don’t actually need to be rushed.
If you can do it, go on. Try it out. Sit and feel it. We’re meant to feel, remember? So let’s feel our feelings and get going on enjoying life. Since I’ve learned Being I’ve loved it. Try it. You may find yourself being, too.