I woke today with the memory of last night:
One of the twins had a melt down and the 7 year-old was pushing buttons on every person she could, the 12 year-old stomped off in disgust, and the 14 year-old rolled their eyes. The 15 & 24 year-olds were busy and tucked away from the drama, like mice.
I lost my patience. I put my hands to both sides of my face, squeezed, and said, “I cannot stay here, I am leaving this situation.”
[**OMG! A small fly actually flew into my open, inhaling mouth as I typed that! It made a decided turn inward, as if by intention –and decided to become one with me! I’m choking here! Let me take a swallow of tea before I vomit my esophagus out!**]
Anyway, sorry about that.
So, I walked into the house as the angry twin shrieked at me to stay. I went quietly into my bedroom, no door –just a curtain, and into the small bathroom. I closed & locked the door and turned the exhaust fan on.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw a fit. I wanted to cry. I wanted to rage. I wanted to do all the things that “worked” when I was a self-righteous Christian (spank them, that’ll make them obey).
I had to get away, the venomous beast that slumbers within me was awake. Justice for me, the queen, was needed.
My 9 year-old twin proceeded to follow me, knocking and pleading with me at the door, “Why are you leaving me? What are you doing??”
I roared, “Leave me!!!”
Just like clockwork, she hit back with, “You’re angry with me for yelling –and you yell at me?”
It was almost like I could see the two sword tips touch.
I took in a deep breath.
I decided to listen to my new self, she was whispering (or I just couldn’t hear her over the yelling inside & outside). I listened to her say, “take nothing personally. This is all a test. Just push through, breathe, and love…”
I stayed in there for a time…
Just breathing.
Just pushing through.
Trying to love.
When I came out, there was absolutely no energy left. I was poured out. No tears had come. I had just let it come to me, and I’d felt it all. It’s safe for me to feel.
I came out into the living room to speak to the girls. So much drama, so many tears, so many, many arguments. Would this go on forever? Would we ever see the end of the squabbles and the injustices?
My twins sat down with me and we talked. There were apologies, there was clarity.
We hugged and forgave.
But, there was such a great, big anger still pent up inside of me. I knew I couldn’t stay awake. I was burned out and trying to function like a regular being was far, too much effort.
I told the kids I was going to bed early, & told them to hit the hay at 10. I lay in bed thinking, “This is miserable. I can’t live like this any longer. Something must change.”
The youngest crawled into bed with me, kissed me on the cheek, and curled up in a ball next to my head. I gritted my teeth. I wanted to be alone. Alone. Alone.
The other twin crawled in after asking to kiss me goodnight. I accepted and we embraced. She told me she loved me. I said the same.
The offending 9 year-old crawled in once I’d just escaped my fury falling into sleep. She planted a kiss on my cheek and said, “Good night, mommy.”
I growled at her. Like a bear. Who was I anyway?? Why was I so affected, why couldn’t I pull myself from this fuzzy, mad state? I said, “I’m sorry. Goodnight. I just got to sleep. Please don’t wake me again.”
I didn’t dream.
When I awoke it lingered like a wisp of smoke…
But with each breath things grew clearer. There was that negative outlook –that very way of thinking– it has been my way, in my life –in my way, for a long, long time. This is an “old me” attitude. Nothing good can come from it. I can’t ignore the ripples I create in the waters, any longer.
My new thinking ways are positive. But, last night I slid back into the old way of thinking. Was it so I could remember the misery of it all? How did I deny all of this drama? How did I overlook so much suffering?
In recalling and seeing how great of pain it was, I slid right tf out! I wanted (and want) nothing to do with this catastrophic, fear-laden, rage-red frame of mind. It’s incapable, it’s impulsive, it’s destructive.
It’s devolved.
What’s the frame of mind I am clinging to? The new me believes how?
Well, it’s a mindset I would imagine a god would have. It is patient. It is kind. It is good. It is loving. It is forgiving. It is carefree. It looks towards the future with excitement. It savors every moment. It smiles at lessons. It gives without expecting anything in return.
I am evolved, and I’m evolving my children. Yeah, the first years are a scrape and a tumble, but everything worth having is worth working hard for! All kids are worth it. They deserve it.
I am focused. My goals are visible. My children’s and my own life are safe. I have been giving over to fear lately, fearing “What’s going to happen if…” and “this isn’t how society works… we’re going to lose everything…” I’ve even thought, “I can’t just blindly trust-fall into the Universe’s hands and expect it to…”
but I can.
And I will.
Damnit, I have!
How about it? You in?